Rules of the feminine gender: How to keep your lady happy
Before we begin, I should note that this is written from a male heterosexual perspective for men seeking to maintain a healthy and meaningful relationship with a female partner who has a feminine essence.
At some point in our early teenage years, most men start to take more notice of the women around them. All of a sudden, we notice that their chests aren’t flat anymore and that there is a beautifully symmetrical swing to their hips. These physical changes in the women around us often put them front and center in the average teenage boy’s mind… right up there with video games, sports, flashy cars, and alcohol. During our teenage years, a natural desire develops deep within most of us to spend as much time as possible with the most beautiful women we know. This desire is sexual in nature and it is mainly driven by how physically attractive the women in question are. We should note here that there is nothing wrong with this… this sexual desire is actually biologically wired into each of us and is fundamentally essential for the survival of our species. Can you imagine if men weren’t sexually attracted to women or vice versa? Well if that were the case, there’d never be any sexual intercourse and the human race would have probably gone extinct eons ago. So in a very concrete way, this fundamentally human sexual attraction between man and woman is in fact one of the best things that has happened to us as a species.
As usual though, anything taken to the extreme usually goes “south” (i.e. bad) and the sexual attraction between the sexes is no different. Since the sexual attraction that the average male feels for a beautiful woman is so strong, it can often times warp his thinking if he isn’t careful. This warped sense of perspective can in turn lead to a myriad of dysfunctional behavioral patterns designed to avoid upsetting or offending the object of his desire at all cost. Most of us have probably known one or two people who became infatuated with a beautiful woman to the point of neglecting personal responsibility and hurting/alienating loved ones. There is also the other variant of this in which the man gets so infatuated with a woman that he becomes too mentally weak to stand up to her, for fear of losing her affection/attention. Ironically though, these pathetically inauthentic behavioral patterns are often exactly what kills his chances with the woman he is after. This is the point where most guys throw their hands up and complain about women. Phrases like “I just don’t understand what she wants”, or “I am so good to her but she treats me so badly”, or “Women are just crazy” come tumbling out of the average man’s mouth while commiserating with his buddies over beer and pizza. While there are some genuine cases of just downright crazy people that you should avoid at all costs, it is often the case that a man who complains about his woman hasn’t thought deeply enough about her base nature to truly understand her. I think the reason why the average man doesn’t understand women is because we spend so much time lusting after their beauty, that most of us do not devote any time to really understanding them. Regardless of how beautiful your woman is, she’s a human being who goes to the bathroom, gets scared, and gets sweaty after a workout just like you do. Stop putting your woman on a pedestal because it doesn’t do you any good and it puts too much pressure on her. Moreover, you unnecessarily diminish yourself in her eyes when you do that.
Let’s take a look at some of what we’ll refer to as the “rules of the feminine gender” to see if we can make heads or tails of how to develop a much better rapport with the wonderful women with whom we have significant relationships. These next series of key points are what some of the men who seem to do so well with women have known all along. They aren’t easy to abide by, and a lot of women will swear to you that these rules are wrong. As you will no doubt soon learn if you haven’t already, the last person to go to if you are trying to figure out what your woman really wants, is your woman! Weird… I know, but nobody ever said this was supposed to make any logical sense. Now then, here we go…
Embrace your masculinity and her femininity as well
Don’t put up with rubbish/abuse
Your mission should be your priority
Set the rules… you should lead
Ignore her looks
Be desirable to other women but stay faithful to your woman
Conquer your fears
Just listen to her
Learn to have good sex if you don’t already know how
Tell her you love her, but only after she’s said it first
In the modern world, the lines between gender are getting more and more blurred under the well meaning context of promoting equality for all. To be clear, some of the changes that have been made so far to bridge the gap between men and women are absolutely fantastic. Yes, absolutely everyone should receive equal pay for equal work regardless of race or gender, and the fact that women couldn’t vote at one point in time is downright ridiculous. That being said, I’d argue that we have gone a bit too far in some respects. For example, if you’ve studied enough genetics you probably know that the notion of physical strength being the only difference between men and women is fundamentally untrue. The truth is that the average woman is better at some aspects of life, while the average man is better at other aspects of life. This doesn’t make one gender “better” than the other, it just means that man and woman are merely different sides of the same coin. So please learn to ignore all the commercials and other subliminal messages that attempt to shame you for indulging in your masculinity. If you like physical combat like I do, join a dojo or a gym near you where you can practice with and learn from others like you. There is nothing threatening about that. I can actually say from experience that the martial arts will instill in you the ultimate level of discipline. And as a matter of fact, men actually need such activities to keep their testosterone levels high. If you like playing video games, you should do that too… in moderation of course.
Please bear in mind that although the average man should be encouraged to engage in activities that make him happy, it doesn’t give any of us the license to neglect or treat our women poorly. At the same time, you shouldn’t turn into a new age softie just because our confused iPhone and snapchat laden world is telling you to. Rather, you should stand tall and proud of who you are, while appreciating your woman’s femininity and treating her with the utmost respect. You should embrace your role as the masculine pole of the relationship, and respect her as the feminine pole of your union. Take time to try and understand her and see things from her point of view because it will very often be different from your own. This will broaden your view and expose you to more aspects of the very essence of life.
Respecting your woman doesn’t mean you should let her walk all over you. It is very likely that she will try to do that at some point in the relationship if she has a truly feminine core. What you need to understand is that a lot of these instances are just tests to see if you are the kind who will stand up for himself, or roll over. You might think that this behavior is nonsensical, but it actually makes perfect sense if you understand it from the perspective of evolution/biology. Many eons ago, women had to depend on their men to fight off wolves and saber tooth tigers. As a result, it was in each woman’s best interest to find a strong man to protect her. To be sure her man was strong, she needed to see him in battle fairly regularly to bolster her confidence in his strength. In those ancient times, there was no shortage of opportunity for hand to hand combat because we humans had a greater taste for battle back then. In modern times however, getting into a fight will get you locked up in jail so your woman doesn’t really have much of an opportunity to be impressed by your strength. As a result, she must “manufacture” tests to be sure she can trust you to protect her and be a stabilizing force which balances out some of her self destructive tendencies. She needs to be able to trust you to do the right thing especially when you are surrounded by difficult circumstances.
Woe betide the man who takes too much crap from his woman for fear of having sex withheld or whatever else she has over him. You might think that patiently putting up with her bad behavior is a way of keeping peace and avoiding conflict, but that is just plain wrong. The truth is that if you roll over too many times when she behaves badly, she’ll lose respect for you and eventually come to hate you. If she says or does something you don’t like, it is of the utmost importance to check that behaviour right then and there if you really like her and want her to stay with you. Now please note that checking her doesn’t mean hitting her, screaming at her, or insulting her (PLEASE DON’T DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS)… you should always come from a place of love with your woman. You can say something like “I can see you’re upset, but when you come at me with that kind of disrespectful tone, it is hard for me to listen to you and try to help both of us have our voices heard”. If she keeps going, you can add a bit more menace to your tone and get more stern, but never disrespectful. Most reasonable women will probably be pleasantly stunned at your cool and collected demeanor if you respond in this sort of way. Beware that there will be the small percentage of women that are just querulous and insecure by nature. These types will seek to control you in order to stroke their fragile but overblown egos. You should walk away from these types as soon as possible without a second thought. Even if it means divorce, let her have half your money… that’s a lot better than dying unnecessarily young because of constant stress. I can’t emphasize this enough, if she is truly damaged beyond repair, make sure you walk away.
We’ve all seen the disney movies where prince charming falls in love with a beautiful princess, loses himself in her, and they live happily ever after. Sorry to break it to you, but this doesn’t fit reality if you really want your union to be a happy one. If her essence is truly feminine, she won’t want to come first in your life (even though she might tell you she wants to). What she really wants is to be with a strong man who is fighting for a worthy cause that she can dedicate parts of her life to supporting. Your mission in life should be your priority and it doesn’t matter what it is as long as it is productive and not detrimental to society. It could be learning to play the guitar, fly fishing, building a charitable foundation that helps wounded war veterans, leading a fortune 500 company, or running a bakery. When you get clear on that, incorporate your beloved and make her part of your mission. If you do that and show her that you really value her opinion and appreciate her time and effort, she will delight in helping you rise to your ultimate goal. We should note here that this cannot be one sided and that you need to show her that you are as committed to her as she is to you and your goals. If you fail to do that on a regular basis, she will walk and you’ll have only yourself to blame.
You as the man in the relationship should set the rules in the union between you and your woman. Remember that she wants to be led by a strong and just man who she can count on to be a grounding influence in her life. Beware that whatever rules you set have to be justified by rigorous logic and reason because if she’s the intelligent type, she won’t just take your word for it. She’ll want to know why you’ve set the rules and guidelines you want to live your life by, and how that helps both of you if at all. This is where the man has to engage in a lot of meditation and deep personal contemplation to really get clear on what he wants in life and how to achieve it. A word of caution here… setting the rules doesn’t mean you have to dominate every conversation and always have the last word. She’s a human being too and you should listen very carefully to what your woman has to say. I guarantee that some of what she’ll say to you will be great and should be incorporated into your life (assuming your woman is fundamentally a good person).
This one is a paradox. You are biologically wired to seek out beautiful women because they give you the best opportunity to pass on your genes in the form of healthy children. So given the choice, chances are that you will choose to be with a beautiful woman… and you absolutely should. The thing is that most men are also biologically wired to become somewhat mentally weakened by beauty. As a result, a lot of men will put up with ridiculously bad behaviour from their woman because she’s drop dead gorgeous. This is a huge mistake. This point is somewhat related to the “don’t put up with rubbish/abuse” point above. Regardless of how she looks, treat her with respect and you had better demand the same in return. You are a pillar of strength that will not be swayed by mind games, hot and cold behaviour, random disappearing acts and so on. Conquer your emotions so that no matter what she does, you maintain your state control. If she’s beyond repair though, you should walk ASAP.
The fact that you are in a committed relationship with your beloved doesn’t give you the license to get fat and sloppy. You should look at yourself and your life as a lifelong project that you will continue to refine and perfect for the remainder of your life. Keep reading, keep learning new skills, keep going to the gym, keep seeking advice from those that are better than you, dress nicely, clean up after yourself etc. This will help your self esteem because you will gain some pride from the fact that you are continuously improving and growing yourself in the right direction. Moreover it will make you more attractive to other women and there is nothing more sexy to a woman than when she knows that other women find you attractive and desireable. A word of caution is very apropos here. This doesn’t mean you should sleep with other women if you are in a committed relationship with your woman… that is just bad form and you should NOT stoop to that level. There are many luminaries who have destroyed their lives because they made the mistake of adultery. One of my all time heroes – Kobe Bryant – made this mistake and miraculously managed to save his image. Even though Kobe pulled a “Houdini” in salvaging his career, the pain and anguish he went through was immense and ultimately unnecessary. It is much better and a lot less painful to learn from his mistake than it is to repeat it in your own life.
We could go into a lot of depth on the topic of fear here, but I’ll leave it up to you to read this article if you are interested in deepening your understanding of this topic. The bottom line is that fear is an attraction killer and you should do your best to continually work on eradicating every last one of your fears from your psychology. If she senses that you are afraid of everything that comes your way, how will she ever be able to trust you to protect her?
A lot of us men are problem solvers who like to fix things. This is an excellent trait if you have a house or car that needs to be fixed, or if you work a lot with your hands to build and refine physical objects. The problem is that many men try to extend these traits to their women and yep, you guessed it… it doesn’t work. You might come home to find your woman crying because something or someone has upset her. The natural tendency for most men is to try to immediately fix the problem. There is nothing wrong with that motive in a vacuum but it is almost always the wrong move to try to immediately fix whatever is bothering her. The better way to handle it is to sit with her and listen to what is making her upset without judging or trying to solve anything. Show her that you understand and are willing to be there for her. Let her talk, cry, yell, whatever she has to do to get rid of those emotions. Once she has let it all out, then you can talk about a solution with her that will hopefully prevent whatever happened from happening again. It will take a while to develop this because it goes against the natural tendencies of the average male.
Society has done a lot to shame women into denying their very natural sexual desires. Women who like sex are publicly called sluts and other unsavory names in an attempt to quell their natural desire for sexual intercourse. The truth is that women are intensely sexual human beings and they like sex just as much and perhaps even more so than men do. So if you don’t know how to give your woman orgasms that make her scream and squirt all over the place while her toes curl, you should learn how. People are naturally selfish and most guys will only be interested in getting theirs if you know what I mean. The thing is that this is incredibly short sighted. Trust me when I say that if you take time to pleasure her, she’ll love you all the more and thank you for taking time to make sure she is sexually fulfilled. It is a big sign that you care about her.
Women won’t admit this, but they like to work for the affections of their man. Men who fall for them too easily end up being a bore. If you fall into that category, you must do all in your power to change it, or she will leave you sooner or later. Even if you do love her, DO NOT tell her first. Wait for her to tell you she loves you before you share your true feelings with her. I’m not really sure why it works this way, but it has proven true time and again in my life and those close to me.
And there you have it guys, some solid tips to follow if you want to learn how to keep the precious lady in your life satisfied and happy. To be perfectly honest, these tips aren’t easy to follow which is partly why a lot of relationships fail. If you manage to stick to them though, you’ll find that they work very well. I heard something stupendously insightful from one of my good friends (we’ll give him the pseudonym Seth) on the topic of girls/women when a mutual friend of ours (we’ll give him the pseudonym Tank) was complaining about his woman. Seth sat quietly and patiently listened to Tank as he complained about his woman for a half hour while we were all out drinking and watching a mixed martial arts fight card. When Tank had run out of things to say, Seth retorted with the following nugget of wisdom – “Dude just because you don’t know the code, don’t blame the safe!”. Meaning that Tank was just having difficulty with his girl because he didn’t understand women. Don’t let this be you. Till next time friends… take care of yourselves and each other.
Oyolu B.C. Ph.D.
Visit our ETSY store!
Listen to audio recording: