Rules of the masculine gender: How to keep your man happy
Before we begin, I should note that this is written from a male heterosexual perspective for women seeking to maintain a healthy and meaningful relationship with a male partner who has a masculine essence.
The union between man and woman can be a truly beautiful thing if carefully nurtured and maintained over time. It is hard to find anything more adorable than a middle aged couple still obviously deeply in love with each other even after the strain of raising multiple children and 20+ years of marriage. Perhaps one of the chief reasons why happy couples who stay together for the long haul are so adorable is because they are now so rare. The rarity of good long lasting relationships between modern day men and women is a head scratcher because in every other realm of life asides this one, we humans usually get better at things as time rolls on. For some reason, that general rubric doesn’t seem to apply in the realm of heterosexual romantic relationships. Perhaps it is the prominence of the deep emotions that come along with romantic relationships that are to blame for this counterintuitive trend? Like many other complex interpersonal problems, this one seems to have its roots in faulty mindsets that have been spawned, grown, and nurtured by unfortunate events in our past and present.
It is an unfortunate truth that our society still treats women poorly and while we haven’t completely reversed the trend, we are at least making decent progress towards correcting it. Having said that, it does seem like in striving for more balance between the sexes, the proverbial pendulum has swung a bit too wildly to the other extreme. As a result, unrealistic views of what the average woman should expect from herself and from the man in her life have found their way into our society. On the other side of the coin, we also find a similar problem as a lot of men have been misled on the issue of masculine identity by the constant barrage of messages from the media. Many men are confused because the archetype for the ideal male changes from “metrosexual” to “overworked professional with dad bod” to “evergreen playboy” on what seems like a weekly basis. These mixed signals concerning what men should be like to win a suitable mate of the opposite sex has endlessly frustrated some of us. So much so that some men have decided to completely opt out and join the MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) movement… shunning the idea of relationships with women and retreating into a virtual world of video games, virtual reality simulations, and social media. The growing divide between men and women is troubling because as much as our egos might not want to admit it, we need each other. I think we can all agree that our beautiful planet (not to mention our species) will be much more viable and sustainable if we can keep both feminine and masculine energies working in perfect harmony.
Assuming you agree that the optimal fusion of feminine and masculine essences is critical for maintaining the health of our planet and species, then you probably also think it a worthwhile exercise for each of the sexes to spend a fair bit of time developing a deeper understanding of the other. In my opinion, the root cause of a majority of the problems that crop up in heterosexual relationships between two otherwise well adjusted people is a lack of understanding. The average man doesn’t understand women, and the average woman doesn’t understand men. In a previous essay, we detailed “the rules of the feminine gender” to help men better understand and support the women in their lives. Let us now take some time to do the same bit of service for our wonderful female readers. The following are some solid tips that any woman can follow to keep the impressively strapping, devastatingly handsome man in her life happy. Now then… here we go.
Work on yourself first
Love and respect yourself
Take care of yourself
Embrace your femininity
Allow him time for his passions
Make sure he is well sexed
Support his mission
You might have heard people refer to their spouses as the one that completes them and this has some truth to it because your man will have some skills that you don’t, and vice versa. This is actually a good thing because it means that your union with your man will be much greater than the sum of the individual parts as you will complement each other nicely. That being said, it is however a mistake to solely rely on a man to come into your life and rectify any of your deep rooted psychological problems. That responsibility falls squarely in your own lap. Treat yourself as a project that you will continue to work on for the entirety of your life. Try to constantly improve yourself inside and out before you go looking for a good man (assuming you want one). Take up a dance class to keep fit. Take up meditation to make you more even keeled. Master a skill or trade so that you can always independently earn money and care for yourself with or without a man. As you continue to improve yourself, you will notice an uptick in the calibre of men you will be able to attract and keep in your life.
It is a fact of life that on average, the feminine gender is physically the weaker of the two sexes. To compensate for this, most women have developed highly evolved “soft skills”. On the positive side of the coin, women with a fundamentally feminine essence are usually much more empathetic and intuitive than men. On the negative side of this same coin, some women have honed nagging into a finely tuned weapon to coerce the people in their lives to do their bidding. I don’t think anyone in their right mind will disagree that nagging is incredibly annoying so please don’t do that to your man if you really love him and want him to stay. There are two major outcomes in a relationship plagued with excessive nagging and neither of them are positive. In the first scenario, you might succeed in defeating the spirit of a man by constantly nagging him to do your bidding but in the process, he will become a shell of the man you fell in love with which might eventually make you fall out of love with him. In the second scenario, if you try to nag a sufficiently strong willed man into submission, he will resist you. The longer he is forced to resist your attempts at nagging him into becoming your personal automaton, the more he will hate you. From the outside looking in nagging seems to be an impulse that is difficult for some women to control. If you fall in this category please do your best to train yourself off this urge because as I think you can see, it rarely leads to anything good in the long run. Instead of incessantly nagging your man, try treating him like a king, and he will delight in doing your bidding and keeping you happy for the rest of your days assuming your desires are within reason, and he is a good man.
You are one of the most spectacularly complex and beautiful beings on the face of this planet. For that reason alone, you should have a healthy level of self esteem and respect. Please note that your awesomeness doesn’t give you the license to talk down to other people or treat them poorly… no one likes arrogant misanthropes. It does however mean that you shouldn’t tolerate people talking down to you or treating you badly. I don’t know him, but I’m pretty sure your man isn’t perfect and will at some point do something that offends you. When that happens, try to calmly express your feelings to him without lashing out. You can say something like “Baby, I got really upset last night because I felt insulted by the offhand way you dismissed my thoughts on subject X” or something of that nature. Assuming you’ve got a great man at your side, he will probably instantly thank you for bringing it to his attention and atone for his error provided your complaint is legitimate and not just merely a ploy for power. If your complaint is legitimate and your man still doesn’t at least acknowledge it and strive to correct it, then he probably just doesn’t value you. If you’re not with a good man who values you as a partner, you should love yourself enough to leave him. You can and will find a better one as you continue to grow and develop yourself.
I’m constantly baffled when I see some women demeaning the man in their life by insulting and ordering him around in public. From what I can tell, women who behave this way seem to gain a fleeting and false sense of importance from ordering/bossing their men around. What these same women don’t understand is that by engaging in such behavior, they are in effect insulting themselves in a roundabout way. Let us unpack that last statement… If upon no provocation, you choose to constantly insult the man who you allow inside you on a near nightly basis and who you may have allowed to impregnate you, it means you don’t value yourself. I mean what kind of woman would allow a man she doesn’t respect access to her most private of parts? It is one thing to have a few harmless inside jokes with your guy that only the two of you know of and can playfully giggle about while people jealously admire your obvious love for each other, but to blatantly insult him especially in the presence of other people is just bad form. If he has any brains, he will eventually leave you if you keep this up for too long and you will have yourself to blame. Your relationship with your beau should be rooted in respect and you had better demand the same in return.
The fact that you are in a committed relationship with your beloved doesn’t give you the license to get sloppy. You should look at yourself and your life as a lifelong project that you will continue to refine and perfect for the remainder of your life. Keep reading, keep going to yoga or dance class, keep seeking advice from those that are better than you, dress nicely, clean up after yourself etc. This will help your self esteem because you will gain some pride from the fact that you are continuously growing yourself in the right direction. Moreover it will keep the attraction between you and your man very much alive. Some people might object to this point citing it as too superficial or materialistic. For those of us interested in the truth however, please know that men are extremely visual creatures who have been evolutionarily selected to notice and be powerfully attracted to a woman’s curvy physique. So like it or not, your man will notice if you stop taking care of your physical body and his level of attraction will probably start to dissipate. As usual, we can all either choose to accept reality, or waste time shaking our fists at fate as we hurl curses into the wind. I’m not a woman but I’d imagine that it would feel amazingly awesome if your man couldn’t keep his hands or eyes off your 50 something year old body because it still looks so amazing.
Warning: Please beware of unrealistic expectations in this department. Our society has unfortunately projected unfair expectations of feminine physiques with photoshopped and airbrushed images of unhealthily thin looking models on magazine covers. Please don’t starve yourself because you want to look good. Eat the right type of nutritious food when you are hungry and stop before you get completely full. If you do that as well as exercise effectively on a consistent basis, I’m pretty sure your inner Venus (and yes, all women have one!) will eventually show herself if she hasn’t done so already.
Don’t be afraid to put on a beautiful dress or a killer skirt suit and look good doing it. If you like to have manicures and pedicures, please go right ahead. If you love to spend time with your girlfriends and gossip about various topics, you should do that too as long as you aren’t unnecessarily dragging anyone’s name or character into the mud. Unabashedly breastfeed your children when needed… after all it is nature’s mechanism for making sure the child grows and develops into a healthy toddler. Grow your hair long and swing those hips if you want to… despite what modern day culture will try to have you convinced of, a lot of men adore those feminine things about you. No, those character traits aren’t weak… they are their own brand of beautiful.
Please note that embracing your femininity doesn’t mean that you can’t still be a kick ass attorney, engineer, or whatever… you absolutely still can. As a matter of fact, if you embrace your individualized brand of femininity, you will probably be able to do those things with your own special touch of femininity which will make them unique.
Most well adjusted men will have at least one thing in their life that they are irrationally passionate about. For some of us, that might be american football… for some others, it might be fly fishing… for others still, it might be the martial arts. For me, it is music. The moral of the story here is to allow your man time to indulge in these passions because they satisfy a need in him that simply cannot be fulfilled elsewhere. It is understandable that his obsessive love for something outside you may feel threatening on occasion, but please strive to think of letting your man work on his latest painting as a gift you give him each day out of love. Work with him so that you guys can perhaps set a limit to the amount of time he can spend on his passions each day. This way, he’ll be able to get his “fix”, and you won’t feel neglected. Trust me when I say that he will thank you and love you all the more for understanding this side of him.
A word or two of caution is appropriate here. Please note that attempting to compete with his passions in an attempt to quell them is the biggest mistake you can make here. In a situation where you try to compete with your man’s passions with the goal of eliminating them, there are two major possible outcomes. In the first scenario, you could win and make him give up the cello or piano. If this is your goal, be warned that any fleeting sense of victory you may feel if you succeed may very well be overshadowed by the dampening of his spirit. He won’t be the same man you fell in love with which some might say would do more harm to your relationship than good in the long run. In the second scenario, he will get tired of the constant struggle and might actually leave the relationship which is also bad.
Speaking of passion, your man is passionate about you and he probably really likes sex with you. To be blunt, don’t hold back… give it to him as much as you are OK with. Although we as a “politically correct” society have stigmatized sex to a certain extent, sex is actually a beautiful way to share your love. So please go for it as much as good sense and the practical demands of life will allow.
Two quick cautionary thoughts on this topic. First, please refrain from using sex as a weapon to get what you want… that rarely ends well. Second, don’t have an affair outside your marriage or relationship because that rarely ends well either. And for those of you wondering, the truth is that yes, some women do cheat just like some men do.
For some men, their passions are intimately linked with their mission in life. This is actually a sign that you have a well adjusted and mentally healthy man in your life which is a very good thing. Your man might be a congressman who is a passionate champion of some policy or the other that he wants to see implemented in his lifetime. Perhaps your man is passionate about inspiring other people to rise up to their potential and does that through the medium of writing. Whatever it is, do your best to support him because there is a certain magic that a woman can bring to a man’s work that is difficult to find elsewhere and can actually propel him to the next level. Ask questions, let him bounce ideas off you, be there for him when times get tough. Perhaps you could make meals for him to eat when he is going through an especially busy time if you’ve got the cooking skills and can make the time. If you do this often enough for a good man, his respect and love for you will only deepen with time. In supporting your man, you should make sure your needs are also met. It is never healthy for a relationship to be one-sided, so please communicate with him regularly to make sure you’re also getting the emotional fulfilment and support that you need from the relationship.
So there you have it ladies, nine solid tips that will help you to build a solid relationship with the man in your life that will stand the test of time. It really is true that we men are from mars and you lovely women are from venus but that doesn’t mean we can’t all harmoniously co-exist here on earth. If we all took sufficient time to deepen our understanding of the opposite sex, we’d all be much better off. There is a lot of helpful material in this article but it is unrealistic to try to implement all of these points at the same time. It is probably most prudent to incorporate them one by one into your dealings with your beau as you feel up to it. From all of us here at chubaoyolu.org, we hope you’ll find some measure of value from this. Please take care of yourselves and each other.
Oyolu B.C. Ph.D.
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