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The dangerously seductive unavailable person…


From a male heterosexual perspective. The point of view I can see most clearly…

Gone are the days when women stayed at home to take care of the children while the man went off to work everyday to earn money for the family’s upkeep. In those days, women were literally dependent on their men for financial solvency which often times directly predicted the probability of the survival of their offspring. It is deplorable to think it now but back then, women couldn’t drive, vote, or work for a living. Their place was in the home… raising children, cooking, cleaning the fort, and politely entertaining guests that their men brought home… or so they were erroneously told. In return for the services they rendered, women were guaranteed a partner for life who would protect and provide for them well past fertility and into old age. From this mutual trade of “services”, the institution of marriage was born. An institution that championed the fusion of masculine and feminine essences into a whole that yielded the amazing gift of children.

The relatively recent liberation of the modern woman has decreased her need for a member of the opposite sex as a lifelong partner. Women no longer need a man to bring home the proverbial bacon… they can comfortably do it themselves. This has led to a swell in the confidence and independence of the “fairer sex”. This swell in freedom and confidence has equalized the playing field in the sexual market and made it harshly competitive for the average male. No longer will a woman passively settle for the average Joe who works a decent job and lives a regular life. The standards are ever increasing for men who want to play the relationship or marriage game. So the struggle continues… for the next promotion and the associated paltry increase in pay… to buy the house and new car… to get in the gym and shape up… to learn to be more affectionate and thoughtful. The price for not joining the race to impress could range from staying single till you are too old to tie your own shoelaces, to going through a messy divorce. Interestingly though, it is often the guys who seem to try the hardest to please the opposite sex that seem to get the shortest end of the stick in the sexual market place. In stark contrast, the elegant dandy armed with his boyish good looks, coquettish manner, and devil may care attitude seems to attract the most vivacious and beautiful members of the opposite sex in droves in spite of their newfound independence and economic power. Needless to say, this makes no logical sense on the surface. The question is: why does it work this way? Seriously, WTF?

Well, I think the first thing to realize is that there is nothing logical about seduction… that is exactly what makes it so seductive. It is not a differential equation or an NMR (Nucleic Magnetic Resonance) trace so stop trying to use your logical brain to figure it out. Natural laws of human nature don’t give a rat’s ass about what you and I believe or think should happen… they are based on certain fundamental truths. If we think about it for a second, the fact that natural laws work independently of our personal prejudices makes perfect sense. As individuals, we only exist for a brief instant in the annals of time so why should nature adjust any of its prime objectives because we think our ways are fair or more humane? The solution to this frustrating and illogical dynamic in the game of seduction is simple in principle but difficult to practically implement. If you want to be successful in the game of seduction (or in the game of life), you must make it a habit to do the thing that is most emotionally difficult to do. For example, when we first meet a person we are romantically interested in, the first instinct is to want to see them all the time. So we call them a little too often in the first couple of weeks for fear that they will forget us if we do not crowd their consciousness. The problem is that this actually comes across as a sign of neediness. The emotionally difficult thing to do is get on with your life and wait 3 or 4 days before you send them a subtly sweet text message signaling your interest. In truth, it is the subsequent step back after the initial meeting or encounter that is actually more important. Counter intuitively, your absence fills the head of the other with thoughts of you. By stepping back for just the right amount of time you will likely get the other to fetishize and embellish your essence in his or her mind, increasing your perceived value. This is what the most lethal seducers of all time know all too well.

Parallel to the class of conscious master seducers like 007 and Barack Obama lies the other equally potent seductive species – the unavailable man. Albert Einstein was a perfect example of this odd breed of seducer. You know, the kind that is obsessed with his work, carpentry, sculpture, personal development, his hometown soccer team, and remains perpetually lost in his own thought. His obsessions ground him completely and detach him from needing fulfillment from another human source. This is not some kind of fake pretentious detachment that we are referring to here. Rather, it is a real and deep feeling of genuine satisfaction with one’s life that legitimately obviates the need for constant validation from another. Due to this profound level of inner satisfaction, this breed of seducer will naturally do the most emotionally difficult thing to do when getting to know a potential mate. He will be too busy writing his latest poem, pondering the natural laws of nature, or figuring out how to play “purple haze” to call his lover 48 times a day. In turn his lover may start to wonder… “Is he really into me?” Once this happens, the game is pretty much over because for some reason, we humans always want what is seemingly just out of our reach. Most people will not be able to resist this air of unattainability and will seek to be the one that “changes him”.

Teaching people to break hearts is NOT at all the moral of this story. Quite to the contrary, it is to encourage you to find something that you love to do for its own sake. Not for the promise of looking cool, a fat paycheck, or eventually being able to afford a Pagani Zonda. When you have found that thing and devote your essence to it, it will make you less available and more seductive as men and women alike will clamor for your precious time and attention. And even if people don’t flock to you, it doesn’t bother you as much because you’ve still got your lifelong best friend (or friends if you are a polymath) who will never disappoint you or think less of you on a random whim or at the suggestion of another. Understand: the less you seem to need people, the more they will enjoy and cherish the thought of spending time with you. That is as true for your friends as it is for your lovers. This does not mean that you should completely ignore people. As with most things in life, it is the “goldilocks” setting – not too hot, not too cold – that is most effective. In the world of seduction, it is the perfect mixture of loner and ardent lover that is most seductive.

Without Wax
Oyolu B.C. Ph.D.
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